Twitticisms


I've been on Twitter now — @BrianLamken — for pretty much exactly six months.

Faithful readers here know that I periodically collect my Twits (which, 
as first noted when discussing Sonya from Sweden, I refuse to call "tweets") in posts like this. They also know that I've wrestled with how to incorporate Twitter, which I joined as much to connect with folks with whom I'd fallen out of touch as to share my particular brand of pith, into a daily life that isn't nearly as productive as I'd like and that is pretty much the opposite of conducive to something that requires constant interaction. Anyone reading this post after following a link on Facebook, I trust that either I've told you or you've sussed out that the same explanation holds at least in part for why it took me so long to join Facebook. 

Giving up Twitter several times but getting sucked back into it after checking the feeds of a few eminently followable people finally let me comfortably arrive at my current relationship with the service, which is to post links to my blogs when I remember, throw out some random humor when I can, even participate in conversations when I have the time and focus, all with the understanding that it's gonna come 'n' go. Twitter is basically a radio station made up of its users' contributions: It's always there, and you're guaranteed to miss out on stuff you'd love to hear, but you can't have it on all the time. You can't be "on" all the time. You just have to let yourself tune in when you can. Facebook and the blogosphere are — chat rooms and bulletin boards and Usenet newsgroups are/were, since the dawn of cyberspace — the same way, although Twitter is so high-volume and has so many streams that it's singularly impossible to catch everything (the understanding of which I think might ironically be an ingredient in what makes it easier to take it and leave it).

I realize that some of you may find the preceding ridiculously obvious, but from my experience several of you will understand where I'm coming from. Some folks have a literal mania about being comprehensive, some folks just think that they really can absorb it all, some folks don't feel that it's worthwhile (or representative of their own value as a participant) to take part in anything that they can't take part in completely. It can be hard to give in to the tide without feeling like you're letting the technology beat you, but actually in doing so you're the one controlling the technology. There ain't nobody gonna read the entire Internet, bubbeleh.

What follows are my Twits for a general audience, minus those that are scraps of a larger exchange, from the past couple of months. These latest Twits and those from previous posts are now on a dedicated page of the blog's called "Greatest Twits".

6 November 2012

I should be happy that my biggest issue at the polling place this year was disappointment that they don't give out stickers any more.

@KurtBusiek: For those w/ Pants on Fire rating from Politifact, maybe? / RT "Chris Matthews just said his book is 'a good way to decombust'."

Uh-oh. This is my 1,000th Twit. I hope it's good.

So my mother's allowed to accompany my grandmom into the voting booth, but I can't bring my cat?!?

I just confirmed that the Justice League of Women Voters is headquartered in Suffragette City.

Waiting for results of the ballot measure in Virginia on whether or not there is a Santa Claus…

At least Mitt Romney doesn't have to stay up too late tonight.

7 November 2012


Looking forward to Takahashi's new manga about a boy who turns into an alpaca whenever a doorbell chimes, Ranma Llama Ding-Dong.

19 November 2012

I just realized that Blake Shelton is the Nathan Fillion of The Voice.

The Voice math: Cody Belew = Freddie Mercury ÷ George Michael x 1984 Dune movie – a sleeve

More 
The Voice math: classic-rock pipes x The Bay City Rollers + The Bugaloos = Terry McDermott

More 
The Voice math: Nicholas David = Barry Gibb + Barry White + Dr. Teeth x Sasquatch

Overheard and out of context: "It's like parasailing, but for avocado pits."

26 November 2012

Is it weird that I've never seen a liquidation sale at a beverage distributor?

28 November 2012


Am I the only one disappointed that the phrase "giant Powerball jackpot" is not being used in the context of a Luke Cage 'Max' story?

I'd like to congratulate any local-news meteorologists able to say "full beaver moon" with a straight face. Mine sure couldn't.

Thus ends Unintentional-Euphemism Convergence Day 2012.

30 November 2012

I'm a couple of verses into a rendition of "Winter Wonderland" and still not 100% sure who's singing, Elmo or Macy Gray.

1 December 2012

We met last night at Whole Foods. I gave you my E-mail address. You said you didn't use the Internet but did have ESP. Call me!

2 December 2012

Did I hear right? If Congress doesn't act, the entire country is 30 days away from having to listen to Rascal Flatts?

That is a brilliant comment. / RT @EDouglasWW "Generalization: People are too easily impressed."

4 December 2012

@AustinGorton: Not knowing Swedish, I've always imagined that "Dag Hammarskjöld" is what Thor'd say after Mjölnir was iced by a Frost Giant.

8 December 2012

So if my math is right Chanukah lasts 56 days in "dog years".

@KurtBusiek: I hear that, ironically, Mitt Romney brings his Christmas tree home in the car.

11 December 2012

My Internet connection is acting like it has to ration a day's worth of oil over eight, but without the God magic. Topical, but frustrating.

12 December 2012

#FakeFact: Elvis Costello's real name is Lou Presley.

I look forward to wowing my grandkids with the fact that in my day the Big Ten conference only had a dozen teams.

13 December 2012

Wikipedia: "[T]he Big 10 actually consists of 12 schools … . It is not to be confused with the Big 12 Conference, which has only 10 schools"

Can you recommend a good brand of meteor shampoo? / RT @neiltyson: "... The annual Geminid meteor shower. Be there."

@strongrrl: Yeah. We're supposed to stay lit for eight days. / RT "It's time for the Hanukkah bourbon, right?"

#FakeFact: Wrigley has been sued for irony 74 times by the loved ones of people who suffered fatal injuries while sucking on Life Savers.

17 December 2012

#FakeFact: While still a struggling actor, Minnie Driver serendipitously worked at Disneyland as a chauffeur for Mickey Mouse's girlfriend.

19 December 2012

I'm having trouble rounding out my list of 2012's Ten Most Fascinating Popeyes.

#FakeNews: A yeti has attacked the President, who broke free by biting its arm. Secret Service have dubbed it the Obama-Nibbled Snowman.

20 December 2012

Just in case the people misinterpreting the ancient Long Count calendar are somehow right: It was nice knowing you all (well, most of you).

21 December 2012

As many of us begin our holiday travel, I'd like to wish my fellow mixed-heritage Jews a Challah Jolly Christmas.

23 December 2012

#FakeGospel: And Joseph said to Mary, "The Holy Spirit did what now?"

24 December 2012

#FakeGospel: Joseph said to Mary, "I hate to get between you and, um, you-know-Who, but 'Emmanuel' sounds a little hoity-toity."

#FakeGospel: And Mary said to Joseph, "Fine. I've already promised my mom that his middle initial will be for my late Uncle Harry, though."

#FakeGospel: And Mary said to Joseph, "We could always call him after that name I kept shouting during my contractions."

It's an unexpectedly white Christmas Eve here in Philly. Yay! On tap for tonight: Egg nog, cookie-baking, and maybe some televised Yule Log.

What has two thumbs and forgot to make sure there was enough butter in the house? This guy. God bless 24/7 @Wawa!

My bedroom smells like butter and cookie batter [pause] [arched eyebrow] [emphasis] llllllllllladies [/emphasis].

#FakeGospel: And Joseph said to Mary, "Jesus is starting to ask those questions and my copy of Where Did I Come From? ain't gonna work."

25 December 2012

I have just discovered someone who doesn't care about Pez dispensers but likes the candy itself. And it's Christmas, not Backwards Day.

26 December 2012

I say the last week of the year should be reserved for watching, listening to, and reading holiday gifts. Who needs a functioning society?

#FakeToDoList: Exchange an iron lung from Respiration Hardware.

Just discovered the Kennedy Center Honors doesn't celebrate basketball, so now I know why there's no Clinton Power-Forward Honors.

27 December 2012

Six months after I joined Twitter, I'm finally on Facebook. Next up: MySpace, GEnie, and maybe a CB radio.

28 December 2012

"Hap-py Birthday!" "Mom! Frosty knew it was my birthday!" "That's just what I say when the hat goes back on—" "Frosty! Pick a Lotto number!"

My cookies are getting old but they're still darn tasty. This is not a euphemism.

29 December 2012

So is Epiphany that moment when you suddenly get uncomfortable talking about whether white lights are better than colored lights?

@HannahKincade: Gah! Logic error! Does not compute! (Actually, I liked it a lot too.) / RT "I rated This Film Is Not Yet Rated 10/10"

30 December 2012

I hope no homophobic men are planning to party tomorrow night. It's New Year's Eve, not New Year's Steve.

31 December 2012

Who's lookin' forward to some Disney's Tyler Perry's Bram Stoker's Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve with Ryan Seacrest feat. Timbaland?

OH NO THE WORLD IS ENDING TOMORR— Never mind... I just found the 2013 calendar. Happy New Year, everybody!

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