Saturday Night's All Right for Typing (Again) (Again!)




Once more Saturday Night Live has aired a Fox & Friends sketch that included quick-scrolling text of fact-checkers' supposed corrections to the program, and so once more I've transcribed it.

Maybe it's the TV on which I was watching, or maybe it's my aging eyes, but, sheesh, the text sure seemed tinier and faster than I remember it being last October and the previous April.

Here's a transcript of what you probably missed, centered and carriage-returned just at it aired, with most typographical conventions intact, copyright 2012 NBC Studios.


There are currently no bills before the House that would require a 
woman to have a transvaginal ultrasound before buying sunglasses.

The Taliban is not producing a cereal called "Honey Bunches of Goats".

Kirk Cameron is not the voice of Siri.

Miss America is not third in the order of succession 
for the Presidency, nor is Miss Teen USA in fourth.

Airplanes do not fly by flapping their wings.

Patricia Heaton did not win a Nobel Prize for her work on
"Everybody Loves Raymond".

Hail consists of frozen water. It is not "made of sins".

President Barack Obama does not plan to take the
"forwarding" option away from email.

Disney World is not planning to add Rush Limbaugh
to their Hall of Presidents.

Nowhere in the Bible does it mention Garth Brooks or Chris Gaines.

Turtles do not have "tiny TVs and sofa beds" inside their shells.

Pete Rose did not a receive [sic] lifetime ban
from the Hallmark Hall of Fame.

"National Treasure" is not a documentary
even though it feels very real.

Wisconsin is an American state and not "just a bit".

Mormons breathe air.

Horses do not have "teeth so sharp you wouldn't even believe it".

Children raised by same-sex couples are not statistically
more likely to let the American flag touch the ground.

"Psych" is a popular detective show on the USA Network,
not a super-secret NASA Mind Experiment.

It takes more than five to six months of medical school
to become a surgeon.

Sour Patch Kids are a snack food and therefore physically incapable
of pulling a knife on someone.

Congress has not declared a "War on Jean Shorts".

It is unlikely that Fareed Zakaria is Willem Dafoe in character.

Babies tend to like hugs.

It is not illegal to discard a Christmas tree.

John Wilkes Boothe [sic] was not wearing a hooded sweatshirt when he
shot President Lincoln, nor were the Lincolns attending a staging of
"The Vagina Monologues".

There is no federal program called "Cash for Bees".

You do not need a spaceship to get to China.

The Watergate is a hotel in Washington, D.C.,
not a portal to an undersea kingdom.

Yellow and blue make purple, not "blellow".

The new World Trade Center does not transform into a karate robot.

Seeing-eye dogs are neither able nor allowed to drive.

It is likely that immigrants do not feed on the blood of our cattle
at night while we are all sleeping.

Baseball is a land sport.

It is widely accepted that ears are used for hearing.

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