Odds are pretty bad that you, dear reader, won the recent Mega Millions jackpot — at least from my perspective. They're definitively either zero or, mightily improbably, perfect from yours. And that reminds me of an amusing linguistic anecdote which I'll save for another time.
Right now I thought I'd bring you my entries for last week's online Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten contest.
Whether you're regretting the size of your Easter dinner last night or pining for leavened bread, lamenting the lack of your team's offense this Opening Week or looking for that missing lotto stub in McDonald's, I hope that your spirits will be lifted by my...
Top Nine Dumb-Guy Ways to Spend a $640 Million Lottery Jackpot
9. 640 million new lottery tickets
8. Naming rights to Three Rivers Stadium
7. John Carter: The Adventure Continues
6. Donation to the George W. Bush 2012 Presidential campaign
5. Bacon, bacon, bacon
4. Scalped backstage passes to Cats
3. Knicks season tickets
2. A slice of pizza and a $639,999,997 tip
And the Number One Dumb-Guy Way to Spend a $640 Million Lottery Jackpot...
1. Zima for everybody
To be honest I don't think that this is anywhere near my best work, although a couple of my entries (#7 and #9) were very similar to winners; in those cases, either the contest-runners liked the other entries' wording better or they just got submitted first.
I actually visited the Late Show website yesterday to see if the next contest had started yet, instead of waiting for its newsletter to hit my E-mailbox today, and ended up lobbing more meatballs than I ever have before while watching the Phillies lose to the Pirates. I'll have those submissions up in a little while.