The Devil You Say

I came up with a baker's dozen decent entries for the latest Top Ten contest at the Late Show with David Letterman website. You can still enter yourself, through the end of the week, although since the earliest one among similar entries is chosen (if at all) I'm usually keen to brainstorm as much as I can on Monday when the newsletter arrives in my inbox.

My Top Thirteen Signs Your Neighbor Is Really Satan

13. When you had a come-as-you-are party, he came as Satan.

12. His barbecues always smell like grilled person.

11. He gives out Good & Plenty at Halloween. Nobody likes that $#!%.

10. The hot chick gardening out front has an "I'm with Satan" T-shirt.

9. He keeps leaving his Underworld's Best Dad mug on the porch.

8. Blues guitarists drop by at all hours of the night.

7. His lawn sprinklers only give off steam.

6. It's freezing cold, there's reindeer poop everywhere, and elves are whistling constantly. (Oops... That's a sign that your neighbor is really Santa.)

5. When you ask him if he's heard any good jokes lately, he replies "Adolf Hitler, Osama bin Laden, and I walk into a bar..."

4. Your house number is 664.

3. His Renault has a bumper sticker that reads "My other car is a Cadillac and by the way I'm Satan."

2. He goes on and on about "Burning Man" but he's never been to Nevada.

And the Number One Sign Your Neighbor Is Really Satan...

1. Now and then you accidentally get his mail, and it's addressed to Satan.

Given that I've been going through a little bit of hell lately the category felt somewhat appropriate, not that our neighbors have anything to do with it. Like other recent and coming posts, I set this one up to publish later. I expect to be doing that for a while — and, if the supply runs dry or too many snafus occur, taking a break from the blog until I'm not so distracted.


Joan Crawford said...

Ha! Number 8 is my favorite.

Arben said...

It's a 4-3-2 triple play for me. Great stuff!
We're thinking of you.

Joan Crawford said...

Arben and all this "Royal We" stuff... only so many megalomaniacs in a room, Arben!

Arben said...

Joan: Well, I'll gladly cede megalomaniac territory to you. I wasn't using the royal "we" — I just meant me and my family, although I do try to treat my wife like a queen.